Bonding with Colleagues

From genocidal dictators to office managers, everyone knows that if you want people to bond, you have to provide them with a common enemy. But which enemy? Some are more effective than others. Trying to rally the troops against an abstract noun ("Mediocrity must be defeated at all costs! Remember that fact this fiscal year!") is unlikely to stir much emotion. So stick to actual people. There's a definite school playground mentality at play here. Witness how the cooler employees at your firm instinctively gravitate towards each other - meeting in the canteen every lunch time to make snide comments about other people's choice of clothes.

Do not follow that path. You are better than them. If you want to bond with your colleagues without picking on the poor lads in IT support, try to encourage a little whining on the subject of your bosses instead - they earn far more money than you for doing far less work. Try saying things like: "Have you seen his/her new car? It's the same one they're using in the next Bond film." Avoid saying things like: "Hey, let's give him/her a break for once. It must have been really upsetting having to cut our wages like that."

The next best way to get close to your colleagues is through the struggle of shared adversity. Past generations had world wars to bring them together, but just because you're not dodging bullets or living off tinned Spam, it doesn't mean you're not suffering too. Pulling an all-nighter for a tight deadline, braving the underground on a hot summer's day, accidentally using that dodgy milk in the back of the fridge - these are all things you can look back on fondly one day and reminisce about with your co-workers.

Tea can also help. And plenty of it. Throwing the hot drinks rota out of the window and selflessly volunteering to make a cup at every 15-minute interval will endear you to your colleagues no end. Only returning from lunch with a selection of delicious pastries could make you any more popular.

Other drinks can be useful too - particularly of the alcoholic variety. Though this can be a high-risk strategy: try confessing a few of your darkest secrets at next Friday's after-work drinks - either they'll reciprocate and open up about themselves, or the entire building will know about how you wet your pants in primary school by the time you return on Monday. That's the gamble.

The slightly more desperate might like to try a spot of Derren Brown-style psychological trickery by attempting to mirror the body language of your chosen buddy. When they fold their arms, you fold your arms. When they scratch their nose, you scratch your nose. In theory this is supposed to result in an eerie feeling of closeness between the two of you. More likely, they'll just feel incredibly creeped out. If so, try growing a neat little goatee beard and see if that helps.

Last of all comes the dreaded team-building weekend. This is where you all spend a rainy bank holiday lost in the middle of a forest, arguing about the best way to fashion a compass out of half a Coke can and a handful of Twiglets. Much better to bunk off down the pub at the first opportunity and just, you know, talk to each other.