Appreciation and Why it Matters So Much

I’ve just returned from an offsite with our team at The Energy Project. As we concluded, I asked each person to take a few moments to say what he or she felt most proud of accomplishing over the past year.

After each of their brief recountings, I added some observations about what I appreciated in that person. Before long, others were chiming in. The positive energy was contagious, but it’s not something we can ever take for granted.

Whatever else each of us derives from our work, there may be nothing more precious than the feeling that we truly matter — that we contribute unique value to the whole, and that we’re recognized for it.

The single highest driver of engagement, according to a worldwide study conducted by Towers Watson, is whether or not workers feel their managers are genuinely interested in their wellbeing. Less than 40 percent of workers felt so engaged.

Feeling genuinely appreciated lifts people up. At the most basic level, it makes us feel safe, which is what frees us to do our best work. It’s also energizing. When our value feels at risk, as it so often does, that worry becomes preoccupying, which drains and diverts our energy from creating value.

So why is it that openly praising or expressing appreciation to other people at work can so easily seem awkward, contrived, mawkish and even disingenuous?

The obvious answer is that we’re not fluent in the language of positive emotions in the workplace. We’re so unaccustomed to sharing them that we don’t feel comfortable doing so. Heartfelt appreciation is a muscle we’ve not spent much time building, or felt encouraged to build.

Oddly, we’re often more experienced at expressing negative emotions — reactively and defensively, and often without recognizing their corrosive impact on others until much later, if we do at all.

That’s unfortunate. The impact of negative emotions — and more specifically the feeling of being devalued — is incredibly toxic. As Daniel Goleman has written, “Threats to our standing in the eyes of others are almost as powerful as those to our very survival.”

In one well-known study, workers who felt unfairly criticized by a boss or felt they had a boss who didn’t listen to their concerns had a 30 percent higher rate of coronary disease than those who felt treated fairly and with care.

In the workplace itself, researcher Marcial Losada has found that among high-performing teams, the expression of positive feedback outweighs that of negative feedback by a ratio of 5.6 to 1. By contrast, low-performing teams have a ratio of .36 to 1.

So what are the practical steps you can take, especially as a manager, to use appreciation in the service of building a higher-performing (and more sustainable) team?

1. As the Hippocratic oath prescribes to physicians, “Above all else, do no harm.” Or perhaps more accurately, do less harm, since it’s unrealistic to do none. The costs of devaluing others are so great that we need to spend far more time thinking than we do now about how to hold people’s value, even in situations where they’ve fallen short and our goal is get them to change their behavior for the better.

2. Practice appreciation by starting with yourself. If you have difficulty openly appreciating others, it’s likely you also find it difficult to appreciate yourself. Take a few moments at the end of the day to ask yourself this simple question: “What can I rightly feel proud of today?” If you are committed to constant self-improvement, you can also ask yourself, “What could I do better tomorrow?” Both questions hold your value.

3. Make it a priority to notice what others are doing right. The more you work at it, the better you’ll get at it, and the more natural it will become for you. For example, start by thinking about what positive qualities, behaviors and contributions you currently take for granted among the members of your team. Then ask yourself, what is it that each of them uniquely brings to the table?

4. Be appreciative. The more specific you can be about what you value — and the more you notice what’s most meaningful to that person — the more positive your impact on that person is likely to be. A handwritten note makes a bigger impression than an email or a passing comment, but better any one of them than nothing at all.

We’re all more vulnerable and needy than we like to imagine. Authentically appreciating others will make you feel better about yourself, and it will also increase the likelihood they’ll invest more in their work, and in you. The human instinct for reciprocity runs deep.

Stand up for Yourself

Standing up for yourself can be really challenging if you're used to letting others have their way or you're a people pleaser. When you trim yourself down to suit everyone else, it's all too easy to whittle yourself away; learning to stand up for yourself is a way of ensuring other people respect you and don't try to push you around or manipulate you. Unlearning the old habits of self-effacement and gaining the confidence to stand up for yourself won't happen overnight, but the journey to improvement starts with the first step.

Believing In Yourself

1 Have confidence. Developing a strong sense of self-confidence is the first step towards standing up for yourself. If you don't have any confidence or belief in yourself, how can you expect other people to?

Ø  It's easy for others to spot when someone is down on their luck and lacking in self-confidence -- which makes them an easy target. If you're confident, people will be less likely to tease you or identify you as weak.

Ø  Confidence has to come from within, so do whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself. Learn a new skill, lose some weight, repeat positive affirmations daily -- nothing will change overnight, but your confidence will grow in time.

2 Set goals for yourself. Goals give you a sense of purpose and control over your own destiny and help you to know what you want. And knowing exactly what you want is an essential part of standing up for yourself and preventing others from walking all over you.

Ø  Motivate yourself by setting an ambitious but achievable goal over the next few weeks, months or years of your life. It could be anything -- a promotion at work, a top grade in your next collage paper, or running a half-marathon -- as long as it's something that gives you a sense of self-worth.

Ø  When you finally achieve your goals, remember to take a moment to look back on how far you've come and appreciate how much you'e achieved. Make a vow that you will never let yourself regress into the unfulfilled person you once were.

3 Develop a good attitude. Your attitude is everything -- it impacts how other people perceive you and even how you see yourself. Your attitude sets the tone of your voice, the quality of your thoughts, and is reflected in your facial expressions and body language.[1]

Ø  Remember that attitude is infectious. If you're bubbly, happy, and bright about things, you'll encourage those around you to feel good about themselves and the world around them. If you're morose, pessimistic, and down about everything, you'll soon infect others with the same negativity.

Ø  We naturally prefer to be hanging around the person who makes us feel good about ourselves, and we're more inclined to listen and respond positively to someone who has a good attitude.

Ø  By the same token, we're more likely to dismiss a person who tries to play the shrinking violet, the victim, or the permanently oppressed. Make the choice to feel and have a positive attitude and you're on your way to standing up for yourself.

4 Stop viewing yourself as a victim. When you behave as a victim, you do the very opposite of standing up for yourself. Instead, you tend to shrink away from the responsibility of a situation and blame your problems on someone else.

Ø  For many people, an inability to stand up for oneself is rooted in the fear of being rejected or laughed at, as a result of similar negative experiences in the past. By choosing to take these negative experiences personally and retreating into your shell, you stop standing up for yourself and start playing the victim.

Ø  If you've had negative experiences in the past, the best thing to do is to try and talk through these experiences with someone you trust. This will help you to figure out the root cause behind your victim mentality and allow you to work past it, rather than hiding behind it.

5 Feel good about yourself physically. While you don't need to look like iron man or iron woman, your appearance does matter and looking fit, strong and healthy will give you greater confidence and help you to stand up for yourself.

Ø  Choose an activity that you enjoy doing -- whether it's weight training, running, dancing or rock climbing -- and throw yourself into it. Not only will you look and feel better physically, you'll also have lots of fun and become a more interesting, fulfilled person in the process!

Ø  You should also consider starting a martial arts or self-defense class. The inner discipline taught will improve your confidence a great deal and the moves you'll learn to defend yourself will double your confidence and allow you to stand up for yourself should you ever find yourself in a physical fight.

Learning To Be Assertive

1 Be assertive. Assertiveness is the key to standing up for yourself. It isn't just a cliche, it's a bona fide means for improving your chances of getting what you want and for being heard properly.

Ø  Being assertive enables you to express your wants, needs, and preferences in a way that shows you're prepared to stand up for yourself while still respecting the other person. It involves being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings, while trying to work towards a mutually satisfying solution.

Ø  When asserting your feelings and opinions, it's recommended that you use "I" statements, rather than "you" statements, as this is less accusatory and will prevent the other person from going on the defensive. For example, instead of saying "you never ask for my opinion", say some thing like "I feel ignored when you make decisions without me". [2]

Ø  Assertiveness is, for the main part, a learned skill, so don't feel bad if it doesn't come naturally.There are many excellent books and courses on assertiveness training available. You might like to start by reading the classic When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J Smith, and Your perfect right: A Guide to Assertive Living, by Robert E. Alberti. See also How to be assertive and Communicate in an Assertive Manner.

2 Learn how to say no. Learning how to say no is one of the hardest but most important ways of standing up for yourself. If you tend to be a "yes" person who never wants to let anyone down, you risk becoming a door-mat who everyone walks all over and takes advantage of.

Ø  For example, if your boss keeps asking you to work late when your co-worker has no problem skipping out the door at 6pm, it can be very difficult to say no. But if this extra workload is putting your personal life and relationships under pressure, you need to put your foot down. Don't put someone else's needs above your own -- learn to say no when necessary.

Ø  Learning to say no will help you to stand up for yourself with friends as well as people who intimidate you. Think about that friend who keeps borrowing money but never pays it back; assertiveness will enable you to ask for that money back and to say no next time, all while maintaining your friendship.

Ø  People may be taken aback at first, but they will learn to accept your new-found determination and may even come to respect it.

3 Use body language. The manner in which you stand, walk, and sit makes a big impression on people. Positive body language can be used to garner respect, agreement, and trust, while negative body language (slouching, trying to shrink away) is practically an invitation to being pushed about.

Ø  Using open body language shows people that you are self-assured, confident and not to be messed with. Open body language includes leaning forward, making eye contact, standing with your hands on your hips and feet apart, using slow and deliberate gestures, facing your heart to people when you meet them and uncrossing your arms or legs.

Ø  Closed body language, on the other hand, sends negative signals and could leave you open to attack. Closed body language includes crossing your arms, clenching your hands, using fast and evasive gestures, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact eye contact, and turning your body sideways.[3]

4 Practice standing up for yourself. For many shy people, standing up for themselves is not something that comes naturally, but that's okay. All you need to do is practice -- soon you'll become more confident and more assertive about making your voice heard.

Ø  Sometimes you may fail to stand up for yourself simply because you cannot articulate what needs to be said at the right moment. Take the time to write out good responses to difficult situations and practice them with a friend using a timer.

Ø  Have your friend pretend to be a difficult or intimidating person who showers you with put-downs. Put on the timer for about 2 minutes and respond away! Keep doing this until you get the hang of it.

Ø  You can also practice standing up for yourself in small, everyday situations. For example, rather than quietly accepting the wrong coffee when the barista gets your order wrong, learn to say "excuse me, I asked for non-fat milk. Could you please make me another?" Soon you'll have the confidence to tackle bigger, more important issues!

5 Stay away from negative people. Another aspect of standing up for yourself is trusting your instincts about other people and learning to act on them. For example:

Ø  If another person is bringing you down with their negativity, don't hang around them; start to politely but firmly distance yourself. You don't owe difficult people any explanation as to why you're spending less time around them.

Ø  Avoid bullies, negative Nellies, and sarcastic Sams. You don't gain anything from being in their presence and you're not doing them any favors by putting up with their nonsense or rewarding them for bad behavior.

Ø  Remember -- keeping away from sources of discomfort and trouble is not running away; it is an important part of learning to stand up for yourself, because it demonstrates that you won't let nonsense and nastiness impact your life.

Resolving Conflicts

1 Defend yourself in a calm and reasonable manner. Defend yourself verbally when attacked, provoked, or sidelined and take care of yourself when someone tries to put you down, box you in, or even hurt you physically.

Ø  Don't just stand there smoldering; it's far better to speak your mind. Even if the end result doesn't change, you've demonstrated to yourself and others that you won't stand for disrespect.

Ø  More often than not, a polite but firm clarification of the disrespectful comment or behavior will be enough to draw attention to the need for it to change, especially where there is an audience. For example: "Excuse me but I was next in line and I'm in just as much of a hurry as the person who pushed in."

Ø  Avoid whispering, mumbling, or speaking too quickly. The tone of your voice and the speed of your delivery are an important part of clarifying what you want and how confident you're feeling.

Ø  Naturally, the manner in which you defend yourself will depend on the situation and if someone is volatile, always put your safety first.

2 Don't be aggressive. You should never resort to outright aggression in the process of standing up for yourself. Being aggressive, or even violent, is counter-productive and will not win you any friends.

Ø  Acting aggressively -- verbally or otherwise -- is like acting out your pain in full technicolor. It's not a constructive way to get what you want and will simply turn people against you.

Ø  You are far more likely to achieve a positive result if you approach any issues as calmly and objectively as possible. You can still stand your ground and be firm and assertive without having to raise your voice or get angry. [4]

3 Avoid being passive aggressive. Be wary of taking passive aggressive responses toward people and situations.

Ø  Passive aggressive responses are ones in which you begrudgingly do things against your will and end up filled with resentment and anger, hating people who "make" you feel this way, feeling depressed and helpless.[5]

Ø  This negatively affects your relationships and can take a huge toll on your physical and emotional health. Most of all, a passive aggressive approach to life will never enable you to stand up for yourself.

4 Try to turn negatives into positives. Another way of standing up for yourself is to take the negatives thrown at you and transform them into good things. In the process of turning attacks inside out to find the good, you'll often find that feelings of jealousy or insecurity are at the root of the attack. For example:

Ø  If someone claims you're bossy, rather than letting it cause you to shrink some more, take this as evidence that you're a natural leader, able to manage people and projects well, and a proactive change agent.

Ø  If someone claims you're shy, take it as a compliment that means you're not ready to jump on the latest bandwagon but like to reflect over the consequences first and then make up your mind.

Ø  If someone says you're too sensitive or emotional, let this be a sign that you've got a big heart and aren't afraid to let everyone see it.

Ø  Or maybe someone suggested you're not career-minded enough – for you, that confirms you're living a stress-free life that will help you to live longer.

5 Don't give up. No matter how hard you try to increase your confidence, there will be days when you feel that you're backsliding.

Ø  Rather than seeing this as a defeat in your attempt to learn to stand up for yourself, see it for what it is – a day or so where things went temporarily off-track before you feel better and bounce back. Some tricks to help the bounce-back process include:

Ø  Fake it till you make it. Even if you don't feel confident, act as if you do.

Ø  Be consistent in your approach. People will grow to expect that the person you are now is a person who stands up for himself.

Ø  Expect some people to find your more assertive stance challenging. It can take time to reshape the patterns you've formerly established with people who used to walk all over you. In some cases, you'll find you no longer want to be a part of their lives; take it as it comes.

Prioritizing When Everything Is Important

You know that sinking feeling you have when there's too much on your plate? When you try to tackle your tasks by priority, but it feels like everything's important? Don't get overwhelmed—it's a problem that everyone faces at some point or another, and while it's difficult to skillfully juggle multiple priorities and competing responsibilities, it's not impossible. Here's how.

It just so happens that there's a career that focuses specifically on juggling competing tasks and priorities: These people are called project managers. And as luck would have it, I was a full time PM for many years, PMP-certified and everything. In that time, I learned a number of helpful tricks that can help you manage your workload at the office as well as your ever-growing list of to-dos at home, with your family, or with your friends. Here's how you can apply some of those techniques to your everyday life.

First, Answer the Question: Is Everything Really Important?

Even if everything on your plate is supposed to be equally important, you still need a way to break down which ones you spend your time on, and how you slice up your time. The first question you have to get past is whether or not everything really is of equal importance. Here are a couple of tips to help you cut through the fog and get a feel for how important your responsibilities and projects really are.

Ø  Grill the boss. At work, you have a manager. At home, you're your own boss. One of the primary responsibilities of any manager is to help you understand what's important, what's not, and what you should be working on. You may have a manager at the office who does this (or needs your help doing it well), but everywhere else, you're in charge of your own work, and no one's going to tell you that backing up your data is more important right now than painting the house. It's easy to give up and think "it's all important," but at work, you can lean in and tell your boss that you really need their help. At home, sometimes you just have to pick something from your to-do list and get started to build some momentum.

Ø  Ask around. If you're prioritizing tasks that involve other people, like your family, friends, and coworkers, talk to them. Find out from them when they need your help, how much work is backed up behind the things you're working with them on, and if they can lend a hand. If they don't need you for another week and someone else needs you tomorrow, or if they aren't as busy as you are, you know what to do.

Ø  Work backwards. We'll get into this a little more later, but you probably have an idea of when each of your tasks are due—or at least when you'd like them done by—and how much time is required to work on each item. Start with the due dates, take into account how much effort you need to put into each one and how much input you need from others, and work backwards to find out what you should be working on right now (or what you should have already started, in some cases).

Ø  Cover Your A**. Finally, once you've taken some time to determine what's really important and arranged them based on what you think you should tackle first, it's time to put it in writing and share it with everyone involved. Set expectations with others for when you'll get your work done for them, and set expectations with yourself for when you'll have time to work on your own projects. This is more important in a work setting, but involving others in your non-work to-dos can also keep you—and others—accountable.

Get Organized

In order for your priorities to even matter, you need to have some sort of a personal productivity system in place to which you hold yourself accountable—and in which your priorities will actually matter. If you've got a tried and true system, great.

The goal of your system, whichever you select, is to take away the need for you to waste time deciding what to work on next, even when you have a lot on your plate. I've found that David Allen's GTD framework is one of the most effective methods for me, mostly because it focuses on what you should do now and what your next actions should be, and it emphasizes getting your to-dos out of your head and into some system that will help you work. I've mentioned before that I manage my to-dos in ReQall, but there are plenty of other options, like previously mentioned Wunderlist, or if you work on a team, Asana, a collaborative tool we adore.

Whichever tool and productivity method you choose, dump your to-dos and projects into it as quickly as possible. Make sure it's something you'll actually return to and use frequently, and something that's easy to fit into your workflow, and you'll be successful. In the end, you want something easy to refer to, easy to enter tasks into, and that gives you a great view of all of the balls you have in the air at any time.

 

Behold, The Trinity: Cost, Scope, and Time

When I was a project manager, one of the first things I learned to help me judge which projects were most important or needed the most attention is the "triple constraint," or a triangle with three equilateral sides. Each side represents the cost of the project, the scope of the project, and the time required to complete the project. None of the sides can be adjusted without making changes to the other two sides. The sides you're weakest in help determine the projects that need special attention. This holds true for all things, not just projects and project managers: If someone heaps more work onto you (scope), but insists that you finish in the same amount of time (time), you'll need more resources (cost) to get the job done.

For example, if you want to paint the spare room in time for out-of-town guests to stay over, you can't change the size of the job (scope), but you can control whether you buckle down and do it yourself overnight (time), or get someone else to do it for you while you do something else (cost). Here's how you can use these three principles to organize your everyday to-dos.

Ø  Time: Work Backwards From Your Deadlines. Time is usually the one variable most of us can't change. Deadlines are deadlines, and often we're not the ones who set them. This is where working backwards from due dates is crucial. Start a spreadsheet, and mark down when each project or task on your plate needs to be finished. Then work backwards to the present day, taking into account everything each specific to-do that needs to be done to get from here to there, and how long it takes to complete. When you're finished, you'll likely see a bunch of tasks that should have started already and others that hopefully won't start for a while if you're going to make the deadline. That list, by itself, is a good indicator of what your priorities are, what you should be working on right now, what you should work on next, and perhaps most importantly, what you should get help with—especially if they're tasks that should have started a week ago.

Ø  Cost: Get Help from Family, Friends, and Coworkers. Cost means more than just dollars. It also means people who can help you, or services you can call to give you a hand or take the load off. Could you finish faster if someone else worked on it for you? What if a teammate could take part of the job off your hands and you could pick it up later? Perhaps there's a program or application that can automate the process for you, and it's pretty cheap. It may be worth spending money or dragging in friends to help you finish renovating the kitchen before you run out of vacation days, or calling someone to install your new washing machine so you don't have to take time off to do it.

Ø  Scope: Don't Be Afraid to Make Compromises. If your to-dos have to be done by a certain time and you can't get help, it's time to sit down with the people waiting on you and start making some deals. Let them know what you can deliver by when, and then go on to explain what you can give them later. This is important, because it sends the message that you're not trying to avoid the work you have to do, but you're trying to give them something now that they can use while you keep working in the background to get them everything else on their wish list. The sooner you stop thinking of your to-dos in terms of all-or-nothing, the sooner you'll have the flexibility to say "I'll give you this tomorrow if you give me a week to give you the rest."

Delegate, Delegate, Delegate

It's easy for us to toil away in obscurity, quietly hating our lives and our jobs and growing more frustrated with every passing minute. All the while, there may be a friend who's willing to help if we had only asked, or a boss who would be willing to help you out if you asked the right questions or gave them the right information.

We've talked about how difficult it can be to delegate, and how to delegate effectively in the past, but however you go about it, it's important to remember that you need to be assertive, not aggressive when asking for help, and you need to make your case with all of the data you have available. By now, you should have your priorities laid out and you have a good idea what you need. Use that information to ask for help and prove you need it, and remember, don't be upset if your friends, boss, or coworkers say no.

Buckle Up, It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride

Using this method to set your own priorities and keep track of your own responsibilities isn't just something you should do when you're starting to feel overwhelmed. If the walls are closing in on you, yes, it's definitely time to take a good, hard look at what's on your plate, what can come off, and what has to give, but waiting until you're already busy and stressed out will make it especially difficult to make the changes you need to get your head above water. Even so, it's essential, and once you do it you'll never look back. Hopefully, you can apply these tricks to your work, at home, and in your day-to-day life. Once you really understand what you have to work on and how long it takes, you'll be able to make smart decisions about whether you can take on that big new project at work, or help your best friend plan their bachelor party.